Why Have Kids?

I want to have children. I see myself having three or four, but I will be happy with whatever God chooses to bless us with. I guess I want to have kids because I was raised to be super family-oriented, I was constantly told family was the most important thing, and my mom lived for us kids. She gave up her career to have us, and spent all of her time doting on us. She cooked every meal, practically ran a taxi service driving me and my friends around, and like GirlWednesday's mom and I'm sure many other moms out there, worried relentlessly. I saw her a super mom, and that is always what I wanted to be when I grew up.

I also love children in general, and spending a lot of time with children is something I think will be highly enjoyable. I know it's really hard work. I'm usually not a fan of hard work, because I rarely think it's satisfying or that everyone gets the credit they deserve. But I think when you take care of a child, you see your efforts pay off as the child becomes a more happy, healthy and well-adjusted individual. So bring on the diapers, the strollers, the Sesame Street, the meltdowns, the PTA meetings, the bake sales, the soccer games, the insolence, the piano recitales, the science fairs. . . I'm all about it.

On the other hand, I can see the so-called "argument" against children. They are really, really expensive. You spend the first quarter of your life getting things set up for yourself only to sacrifice many things you worked hard for. Importantly, you may feel pressured to have them because that's "what you do" at a certain point-- not a good reason.

I think my reasons for having children make sense. But they raise some crucial opposing points. Do I want to have children to entertain myself? To have something to do? To show them off to other people? Because that's what yuppies do? Because I want someone to take care of me when I'm older? Because I want to have someone around who has to love me in case my husband is gone?

Well, no. Of course not! I want to make the world a better place, and I think bringing more people in the world who are good and ethical and productive is the best way to achieve that. It's that simple. But I think a lot of people are not sufficiently thoughtful about why they are making such a remarkable decision. We are talking about bringing a new person into the world here. This is serious stuff. I wonder if many couples decide to get pregnant because it seems like the next logical step. On the other hand, when women say they feel ready to have a baby, that they really want to get pregnant, maybe it is a maternal calling, not just a societal influence. The biological clock might be this great thing that calls attention to our primitive desires in an otherwise noisy world. So who's to say that instinct isn't good enough evidence that procreating is the right thing to do?

Now I want to move onto something much more controversial. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for what I'm about to say-- but I just don't get mothers who choose to work. To be clear, I am NOT talking about women who need to work to contribute to the family (and of course, this does not just mean the truly poor-- almost every family seems to need two incomes to survive- especially these days). My mother worked at times during my childhood and she made it all work and I completely respect that. What I don't get is women who have children, take the few months maternity leave following the birth, and then put their children in daycare and work full-time, when working is comparable to the cost of daycare. If you do not want to spend a lot of time with your children, especially when they are very young and I think, need you, then why have them? Why have them and then miss their first words and first steps? It seems a little delusional to believe that those milestones only happen after 6 PM or on weekends. I know I sound really judgmental, but I would love for someone to be able to explain this to me. Because caring for your baby seems like something that would be so fulfilling, and to miss it just seems sad. And if you would rather be at work, maybe motherhood is not for you?

Then again, I'm not a mom. I don't know what it's like firsthand. Maybe baby daycare works for some families, and those kids turn out wonderfully happy and confident and feel loved by and close to their parents. I hope they do. And I know that all moms, working or not, love their kids. And isn't that really all that matters.