Dear TLC: Pick Me! Pick Me!

I’m not really sure how one goes about getting on one of your designer home make-over shows. I guess I could probably do a little internet research and find out, whether it’s submit an application or bribe one of my friends into nominating me, but either way, I need help. And fast.

The issue isn’t that I’m a single mother of seven, one of whom has Down’s Syndrome, who just lost a husband in Iraq and I need a new 19,000 square foot house with a terrarium. Sorry, I know that lessens my chances. Nor is it that I’m selling my home but haven’t gotten a bite in six months because of brass light fixtures, paisley wallpaper, avocado green appliances, and a major rat problem, and I need you and your staff to come in, spend $100 and sell my place in four hours. Nope, not that either. My problem is just the kitchen. It’s a mess. And not just a regular mess, an absolute disaster.

Let’s start with a little background. I started out with only the idea of ripping up the carpet in my house and installing hardwood floors. Well, unbeknownst to me, none of the floors in the house are the least bit level. It’s hard to install floors on humps and bumps. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve made it as far as the wall between the kitchen and the living room, but haven’t moved past there in at least a year. The linoleum that I pulled up in the kitchen covered another layer of linoleum (think faux brick! Like an indoor-outdoor-indoor patio!) that was stapled to pressboard that was glued to the subfloor. Long story short, I had to replace the subfloor, which is still uneven.

So my kitchen consists of uneven, squeaky subfloors (the dog won’t go past the refrigerator because the next step there causes the floor to creak and groan and give, which totally freaks her out) covered in glue bits. I have a 20+ year old black dishwasher, a white fridge that emits a shrill, high pitched noise about twice an hour, and an abnormally colored almond stove (which seemed fine when I bought it for 50% because of the color and the huge dent in the side) that sits about a third of the way out in the middle of the floor because of some random pipe that runs up the wall behind it.

Those things, though, are definitely the least of my worries. My biggest challenge is that I don’t do dishes. Not sure exactly why, perhaps it’s that when dinner is over, I really want it to be over. So I let them pile, and pile, and pile. I don’t even really do much to rinse them off. Disgusting, I know, but I can’t help it. I really can’t. I’ll let them pile up for a week or two until I’m eating cereal with a fork I just washed and having to Febreeze them because of the stink. And then I’ll give in and pile them all into the dishwasher (remember, circa 1985) and expect it to perform a miracle. Unfortunately, the only thing the dishwasher is good at is losing the tops and bottoms of my Tupperware. There’s so much made about how washers and dryers lose socks, but I think the real travesty in this country is the lids lost in Dishwasher Land. A sad, sad place. I have lots of tops that have a 6 on them, but no bottoms, a Cool Whip top (which genetics dictate that I always keep and reuse) but no bottom. Something that says Deli Select Turkey on the lid (which I swear I cannot remember buying) but also, no red bottom. 47 pieces of Tupperware, Rubbermaid, Gladware, and Cool Whip products and only nine complete sets. NINE. Where is all of this stuff going? What am I doing wrong?

So to conclude this informal application, TLC pick me please. Make my appliances match, make them quiet, make my floor even and not sticky, and send me some Tupperware where the tops are attached by leashes to the bottom, and teach me how to do dishes. Please!