Hey Celebs, Shut the Hell Up

Only a few days remain until the next presidential election. That's right- I'm going there. But don't worry, I don't want to preach my perspective or even talk policy. What's funny about that, is that if anyone should be conducting a dialogue about politics, it's probably someone like me. I have an advanced degree in public policy (as do several members of this blog) and I'm also not prone to yelling at or judging people. So I think I could do it and keep it classy. Despite my lack of ignorance and my general calm regarding politics, I don't think I know everything. I don't assume I know more or that I'm on a higher moral ground than anyone I'm talking to. Unfortunately, a lot of people do. And very unfortunately, a lot of people who are famous because they are pretty or can entertain people (or not) think that despite the fact that they probably haven't gone to college, they are equipped and empowered to lecture the American electorate. Which is a low down dirty shame.

The greatest celebrity endorsement this year has been by the great Opraaaaaaah Wiiiiiiiiinfrey! (As she herself would say it.) I know Miss O has given a massive amount of money to charity, which I can appreciate. I think an even more significant achievement of hers is the way she has used her talk show to bring so many relevant topics into America's consciousness. I think she has really broken down barriers, and I applaud her for it. But she's starting to get a little nutty. She brought Michael Moore on her show to discuss 'Sicko', and lauded him, stressed the fundamental right of all Americans to have free health care. Clearly, Oprah is implying that you are some sort of fascist bastard if you disagree with her. I'm sorry, Ms. Winfrey, but life is a little more complicated than that. I don't think it's right for a celebrity to endorse a candidate, but maybe I would give some leeway to a famous person who clearly respects and intellectually appreciates different points of view. Oprah is not that person. And considering her incredible influence, I find it really irresponsible of her. Plus, it's easier to support a redistribution of wealth when you have as much money as she does. That bitch should walk in my shoes.

She is not the only one stumping, but she is one of the most egregious offenders. It speaks not so well of our society that we care what Ben Affleck, Barbara Streisand, Chuck Norris and Bruce Willis think about politics. There are people who can be convinced to follow a candidate based on the power of celebrity suggestion. As much as I don't understand why that is, I understand less why all these of these celebs are so righteous that they will appear on Larry King and Bill O'Reilly, spouting off whatever their party's press release tells them to. I guess being a celebrity gives a person a false sense of confidence. I only wish the American voter was as confident in his and her own beliefs.

Marathon!

I am running a marathon in Memphis four weeks. In lieu of this event, I started thinking about the last marathon I ran about 16 months ago. It is a pretty funny/interesting story that I thought I would share…

I qualified for the marathon at the NAIA National Track & Field competition in Fresno, CA during the last semester of my senior year of undergrad. There were six athletes from my team who qualified (in different events), and we arrived in Fresno, CA on a Tuesday evening and my race was at 6am on Saturday. It was nice getting there early, because I was able to spend a few days preparing for finals (which were the next week), adjusting to the heat, and getting used to waking up so early!

All week I had been hydrating really well. My coach was having us alternate watered-down Pedialyte, Gatorade, and lots of water. It was so incredibly hot in Fresno – averaging about 99 degrees each day.

On race day, I had to wake up at 4am in order to eat and get ready for the race. Finally, we got to the track and I had to go through some funny routines to prepare for the race. I had to make sure I had lots of Vaseline on my ankles, armpits, thighs, and chest so that nothing would chafe and hurt during the race. I also wore a visor so that during the race I could pore water on my head and not have it drip into my eyes.

My goal was to run 3 hours and 20 minutes, which I thought was a fairly realistic goal. However, I was a bit nervous, because the longest run I had done in my training was only 2 hours and 30 minutes. Up until about 3-4 weeks before the race, I was actually training more for 10k/half marathon distance, and was only going for 90-100 minute long runs each week. I had done three long runs over 2 hours, but that was it.

There were 39 girls and over 40 guys who had qualified, and we all started together on the track. The race began with 2 and 1/8 laps on the track, which was nice because we were able to pace ourselves with the 800m distance. The first 16 miles of the race felt great! I was running really consistent 7:20 miles (give or take a few seconds) and felt really strong all the way up to mile 18. Then, it got significantly harder. My body was getting depleted of its glycogen storage, and my legs were definitely feeling it. My coach was on the course, and every 40 minutes or so was giving me a PowerBar Gel packet, as well as Gatorade, and towards the end of the race, had me drink watered-down, flat Coke to increase my blood sugar levels. Miles 20-24 were significantly slower, and in hindsight, I probably should have gone out about 5-8 seconds slower per mile in the first half so I wouldn't have gone into oxygen debt so bad during these miles.

Nobody had warned me of this (and apparently it is quite common) but I started to go crazy during the race! I had to start talking to myself in order to stay sane. It makes sense, if you think about it, when your body gets depleted of glycogen, so does your brain, and it starts acting funny. I kept imagining and hearing people behind me, and then I would turn around and absolutely nobody would be there. Or, I would imagine that my feet were really swollen and I would look down and they would be completely normal. I had to keep talking to myself on the long stretches where I was completely by myself. I kept saying, "Come on Natalie, you can do this. Believe in yourself. You are Natalie Hatch. You are great…" etc etc. Remember, this was not a normal road race with lots of runners. Only those who qualified and were on a collegiate team could compete, so by the end the runners were really strung out from each other (and almost 20% of the girls dropped out at some point during the race). We also were not allowed to listen to any form of music during the race, so on those long stretches all by yourself, you could get pretty lonely out there.

Finally, in the last mile, I saw the girl ahead of me and she was walking! I couldn't believe it. It really motivated me to pick up my pace, because there was no way I was going to let somebody beat me who had walked. My last mile was a 7:40, and my last 400 meters on the track was at a 6:00 pace. When I was trying to pass that last girl, I remember thinking I had to do something to motivate myself, so (remember, I had been running fast for over 3 hours now and was going a little crazy) I started singing the “Chariots of Fire” theme song to myself in my head as I passed her. It worked! Although, in hindsight, realize I was probably going a little nuts at that point.

I crossed the finish line and burst into tears…only for a second though…because then I had to catch my breath. I had finished in 3 hours 24 minutes and 21 seconds…only 4 minutes slower than my goal. Physically, it was probably the hardest thing I had ever done. However, it's hard to explain the feeling of accomplishment that is felt afterwards. I looked over and saw my coach and teammates standing on the side of the track, and they were so proud. It was really an awesome experience. Immediately, my coach got me out of the sun and changed into some dry clothes. I could hardly move! He had to untie my shoes for me because I couldn't even reach over that far. Compared to most of the other runners, I was in pretty good shape (many had collapsed on the finish line), but I was soo sore. My hip flexors felt like they had been through a meat grinder, and were sore just to even touch. For the next 3-4 days, I looked like a 90-year old woman limping/walking around.

Although I could barely move for the next week (I had to actually physically lift my left legs up with my hands when I got up or got into a car), and from miles 20-24 I thought I was going crazy, I am so happy that I ran that marathon, and finished so strongly. I learned a LOT and am really excited to run my next one. I have been training with longer long runs and I think that with these extra miles added to my training it will really help with those hard miles at the end.

The next four weeks will be full of hard training and a lot of miles, but I can't wait for that sixty seconds immediately following the race when you are full of the greatest sense of pride knowing you just pushed your body to its absolute limit, completed something most people could not do, and achieved the goals you had set for yourself.

To-Do

Driving home from the Midwest and watching my team play football this weekend I pulled out the old atlas my fiancé keeps in the back pocket of his passenger seat in an attempt settle a debate we were having about the longest east-west interstate (we think it’s either I-80 or I-90, by the way), and I found myself flipping through the pages of the big book of maps longingly. I consider myself relatively well-traveled when it comes to the East Coast. I’ve been up and down I-95 more times than I care to recall. I spent countless summers on a lake in Maine; I spent a handful of Christmases driving down to South Carolina; and I think I traveled to almost every swimming pool throughout the Middle Atlantic region for swim meets and water polo tournaments. I’ve done some more of my own traveling during college and grad school, visiting friends, prospective employers, casinos, and basketball arenas. But in the grand scheme of things, I haven’t really gone that many places. I spent time studying abroad in Switzerland, and I’ve visited my friend’s mountain home in Montana. I’ve been to LA, Palo Alto, and Santa Monica, and I’ve been to all the states bordering the Great Lakes. I’ve been to the Bahamas once, and we’re going to St. Lucia for our honeymoon; but there are so many, many things that I would like to see and do. Sitting in his passenger seat, I found myself fixating on the map of California and the miles and miles of the pacific coast highway, and wishing we had the time to put everything aside for a little while and travel. Perhaps not the same way girl Wednesday did it, but to take the time without any real deadline or set destination to just drive and enjoy ourselves. To eat BBQ in Nashville, drink hurricanes in New Orleans, watch a rodeo in Texas, sip Mojitos in Miami, hike the AT in Katahdin, go for a walk in the rain in Seattle, sit in a hot tub in Tahoe, and watch the sunset in San Diego.
So in an effort to make our goals real, I thought I’d steal the idea from G-Mon’y and use my blog this week to make a list. A bucket list of travels, if you will; a list of all the places we’d like to go as we start out on our journey through life together. So with further ado, here are a few to start, in no particular order:

1. Drive the Pacific Coast Highway from San Francisco to San Diego in a Convertible.
2. Play a round of golf at St. Andrew’s, Carnoustie, and Muirfield.
3. See a moose, a whale, an eagle, and a grizzly bear in Alaska.
4. Drive a high performance German sports car on the Autobahn (and perhaps even hit 200 mph, or whatever the Kmh equivalent would be).
5. See the Great Pyramid.
6. Hike the Lauterbrunnen Valley from Grindewald to Murren.
7. Drink wine in Tuscany.
8. Scuba dive on the Great Barrier Reef.
9. Hike the Inca Trail.
10. Drive cross country.
11. Visit Hawaii.
12. Sleep in an overwater bungalow in Bora Bora.
13. Go on an African Safari.
14. See the tulips in the Netherlands.
15. Attend lessons & carols in Kings College England.
16. See the Globe Theater.
17. Go whitewater rafting on the Colorado and Arkansas Rivers.
18. Visit The World in Dubai
19. Go sailing in the Greek Isles.
20. Go leaf peeping in New England in Fall.
21. Watch baseball at Fenway and Wrigley Field.
22. Go to the Rosebowl.
23. Attend an Army-Navy game.
24. Bungee Jump from the New River Gorge Bridge.
25. Compete in the Escape from Alcatraz Triathalon.
26. Take a ride in a fighter jet.
27. Go horseback riding in New Zealand.
28. Take a hot air balloon right at the Albuquerque Balloon Festival.
29. Drive the Redwoods in California
30. Visit Tibet.
31. Have a picnic in Napa Valley.
32. Drink champagne in the Champagne region of France.
33. Rent a villa on Lake Cuomo, Italy.
34. Go to the top of the Eifel Tower.
35. Visit all 50 states before we die.
36. Watch the Changing of the Guard at Buckingham Palace.
37. Attend a round of the Masters.
38. Ride a burrow down the Grand Canyon.
39. Find the best Clam Chowder along the coast from Connecticut to Maine.
40. Go scuba diving in Belize.
41. Visit Tokyo and Hong Kong.
42. See the Kremlin.
43. Drink beer at Oktoberfest in Munich.
44. Go to Ireland
45. Have Key Lime Pie in the Florida Keys.
46. Rent Fisherman’s Island in Maine for a week.
47. See Glacier National Park before the Glaciers melt away.
48. Visit Schloss Neuschwanstein.
49. Drive Skyline Drive.
50. Actually stop at South of the Border in South Carolina. Pedro wants you to.

Dear TLC: Pick Me! Pick Me!

I’m not really sure how one goes about getting on one of your designer home make-over shows. I guess I could probably do a little internet research and find out, whether it’s submit an application or bribe one of my friends into nominating me, but either way, I need help. And fast.

The issue isn’t that I’m a single mother of seven, one of whom has Down’s Syndrome, who just lost a husband in Iraq and I need a new 19,000 square foot house with a terrarium. Sorry, I know that lessens my chances. Nor is it that I’m selling my home but haven’t gotten a bite in six months because of brass light fixtures, paisley wallpaper, avocado green appliances, and a major rat problem, and I need you and your staff to come in, spend $100 and sell my place in four hours. Nope, not that either. My problem is just the kitchen. It’s a mess. And not just a regular mess, an absolute disaster.

Let’s start with a little background. I started out with only the idea of ripping up the carpet in my house and installing hardwood floors. Well, unbeknownst to me, none of the floors in the house are the least bit level. It’s hard to install floors on humps and bumps. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve made it as far as the wall between the kitchen and the living room, but haven’t moved past there in at least a year. The linoleum that I pulled up in the kitchen covered another layer of linoleum (think faux brick! Like an indoor-outdoor-indoor patio!) that was stapled to pressboard that was glued to the subfloor. Long story short, I had to replace the subfloor, which is still uneven.

So my kitchen consists of uneven, squeaky subfloors (the dog won’t go past the refrigerator because the next step there causes the floor to creak and groan and give, which totally freaks her out) covered in glue bits. I have a 20+ year old black dishwasher, a white fridge that emits a shrill, high pitched noise about twice an hour, and an abnormally colored almond stove (which seemed fine when I bought it for 50% because of the color and the huge dent in the side) that sits about a third of the way out in the middle of the floor because of some random pipe that runs up the wall behind it.

Those things, though, are definitely the least of my worries. My biggest challenge is that I don’t do dishes. Not sure exactly why, perhaps it’s that when dinner is over, I really want it to be over. So I let them pile, and pile, and pile. I don’t even really do much to rinse them off. Disgusting, I know, but I can’t help it. I really can’t. I’ll let them pile up for a week or two until I’m eating cereal with a fork I just washed and having to Febreeze them because of the stink. And then I’ll give in and pile them all into the dishwasher (remember, circa 1985) and expect it to perform a miracle. Unfortunately, the only thing the dishwasher is good at is losing the tops and bottoms of my Tupperware. There’s so much made about how washers and dryers lose socks, but I think the real travesty in this country is the lids lost in Dishwasher Land. A sad, sad place. I have lots of tops that have a 6 on them, but no bottoms, a Cool Whip top (which genetics dictate that I always keep and reuse) but no bottom. Something that says Deli Select Turkey on the lid (which I swear I cannot remember buying) but also, no red bottom. 47 pieces of Tupperware, Rubbermaid, Gladware, and Cool Whip products and only nine complete sets. NINE. Where is all of this stuff going? What am I doing wrong?

So to conclude this informal application, TLC pick me please. Make my appliances match, make them quiet, make my floor even and not sticky, and send me some Tupperware where the tops are attached by leashes to the bottom, and teach me how to do dishes. Please!