Fast Forward

When I think back on my short-lived life thus far there are absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, things that I wish I would not have done. I chose not to spend quality time with family members who are no longer here, there were times that I drank too much at college parties, and other moments where I lied to my family about things they eventually found out about. None of these things I am particularly proud of, nor would I repeat them if I could go back and do things again. However, I don’t think I would want the opportunity to go back and change things if I had the chance. As most of my fellow blogettes have mentioned, the hard things I went through shaped who I have become and have made molded me into who I am today.

Knowing that, I was having a hard time this week deciding what to write about. If I wouldn’t go back in time and change things…then what would I do?? All of the sudden two things happened: 1) I felt the baby kick for the very first time (I mentioned this briefly in a past blog….but I am about 20 weeks along with a little boy right now). And 2) I realized that I didn’t want to go back in time – I wanted to look forward!

There are so many questions I have for my future self and future family. I wonder what my children will look like. Will they have my big eyes or HubbyThursday’s cute and irresistible grin? Will they be athletic and captains of their sport teams? Will they be intelligent, well-spoken, and leaders of their classes? Will they appreciate theatre and music? Will they learn to build meaningful relationships? Will they be leaders and activists in their communities? The list goes on and on!! I want my future children to have so many opportunities and I hope they have the mindset to truly do anything they choose.

I wish so badly I could go forward and see how everything is going to turn out. My life right now has the opportunity to go is so many different directions and I wish terribly I knew which road I am going to take. Where is my career going to lead? How many children will I have? Etc, etc , etc.

One of my greatest fears is that I will get older and forget how hard I had to work to get there. I was the oldest of a huge family and growing up we didn’t have much. When I was seven I held my first job delivering newspapers. In high school I worked two jobs, was a Varsity athlete, and involved in almost every club our school had to offer. In college I waitressed at two restaurants, held positions in Student Body Government, competed in pageants, and was a three-sport Varsity athlete (cross country, indoor track & field, outdoor track & field), and graduated with honors. It was hard. There were times that I was jealous of my friends whose parents paid for all their education and had the benefit of being able to focus solely on their academics. But it taught me the importance of working hard and truly earning every accomplishment I achieved. When I came across challenges, I worked through them. Sometimes I succeeded and sometimes I failed, but I learned that it was impossible to succeed if you never attempt a challenge. Today, I know I am more successful and well-rounded because of the situation at hand when I was younger.

I fear that if HubbyThursday and I work hard to provide nice things for our children they won’t have this sense of accomplishment we were able to create for ourselves. It is so important to me that our children never think that they are “entitled” to anything, or that they are better than their peers because of accomplishments their parents have achieved. Don’t get me wrong….we haven’t even gotten to that point yet in our lives. We still have massive amounts of student debt and will still be living like poor college students for the next few years. However, I have no doubt in my mind that we will be successful some day.

If I could fast forward ten/fifteen years I would remind my future self that this is how I feel. I would remind my future self that I don’t want to drive fancy cars or own shiny things. It’s not important to have the biggest house, or the fanciest vacations. What is important is that we make it to all our kids’ track meets and basketball games. That we are there for each one of their parent/teacher conferences and can help them after school with their homework. That we are there for them when they have a terrible break-up and come home in tears, or when a mean junior-high girl makes fun of them. Most importantly, I never want to forget that our family is THE most important thing. Period. And that you can never give up on those you love the most.

So, as I am writing here feeling the baby kick (he is very little – not even a pound yet!) I have realized there is really no way I will be able to see what the future will hold. All I can do is hold myself accountable for my actions and constantly remind myself how I want to live my life and the values I want to instill on my children and future family. I have made mistakes in the past, and I know I will make mistakes in the future. I have confidence, however, that if I surround myself with people whom I love and care for my life will be full of fulfillment.