Just a Day

Like thousands of other women in their late twenties, am planning my wedding. Yes, I am actually engaged. I’m not simply obsessing about getting married and reading magazines on the off chance that he actually pops the question. My fiancé and I dated for seven and a half years, off and on, before we got engaged. We took a long, torturous path from the crisp fall evening we first started dating to get to where we are today.

I say tortuous because when you fall in love at nineteen, you have a lot of growing to do as a couple before you can really feel as though the foundation is strong enough to build a future on. And when I say our path was tortuous, I also mean that I pretty much tortured him—going away to graduate school for four years and living long-distance, breaking up with him twice, insisting that he get himself together, figure out his career, his ambitions, if we were going to work out. I dated other guys, I told him it was over. I was a B****. I was harsh, I was stubborn, and I was cold. And the one thing that saved us was that while he might not have known what he wanted to be when he grew up or how to even land a job, he knew that he wasn’t going to let me walk away that easily. And he succeeded. And I am grateful beyond words for that fact.

Perhaps it’s that the two of us dated as long as we did, or perhaps it’s that I am just not a girlie-girl, but I have found myself, in the six months since we got engaged, resenting the wedding planning industry. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. And I know I’m not the first one to write a blog entry about it. There are entire sites dedicated to the anti-wedding, the DIY wedding, the princess wedding, etc. You name it, there is a wedding site dedicated to it.

I find it fascinating that there is so much dedicated to a single day. Perhaps it’s because I had the benefit of two very loving parents and a very grounded home. Perhaps it’s that I admire my parents love and devotion to one another. Or perhaps it is that I grew up watching my father’s parents and my mother’s parents exemplify the same characteristics as a couple. I’m not sure what it is, exactly, but very early in the process, while stressing over table linens and flower choices, I shrugged my shoulders, turned to my father and observed—it’s just a day—it’s the marriage that matters.

That has become my mantra—it’s just a day. When the stacks of wedding magazines grow too heavy to carry and the knot.com checklist seems insurmountable, or when I start to worry that someone will screw something up (which they inevitably will), I simply tell myself that it is only a day. Sure, the vows we will exchange are sacred and undying, but everything beyond that—the menu selection, the flower arrangements, the guest list, the bridesmaids dresses, the perfectly matched bows for the pews—they aren’t what marriage is about.

I’m not saying that my fiancé and I don’t have a list of the things that we’ve liked at other weddings that we attended that we are hoping to duplicate at ours. I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy the decadence of the day—I’d be lying if I did. But what I’m saying is that at the end of the day, if there is a blizzard on my March wedding day, if the cake collapses, or if the shade of tulips isn’t exactly as I’d hoped, I will survive. Because while I’m looking forward to our first dance as Mr. and Mrs, and while I’m looking forward to having all of our friends and loved ones in the same place to celebrate with us, I am MOST excited about beginning this next chapter of our lives together. I am MOST excited about working together, every day, to make our marriage just as strong, just as loving, and just as enduring as the marriages our grandparents were fortunate enough to have. I am excited to try to be just as good a parent to our children as my parents were to me. I am excited to learn and grow together for the rest of our lives, and I feel truly blessed to be embarking on this journey with my true soul mate. I am MOST excited about just about everything that comes after the wedding. Because the wedding is just a day, but the marriage, with faith, hope, and a lot of work, will last a lifetime.