Hailing a Cab

I was recently watching an old episode of “Sex and the City”, one of my all-time favorite past times, when the characters briefly brought up an issue I find very interesting. Charlotte (the brunette, preppy one) was going on and on about how happy she was that she finally found “the one” (Trey, with whom things did not end up going so swimmingly). Miranda (the redhead, cynical one) rebutted Charlotte with something along the lines of, “he’s not the one; this is not fate—his light was on”. She described this theory about men being like cabs. They go around, living their lives, having dalliances with different women over and over again. Then one day, they decide that they are ready to get married, have children and settle down. Their light goes on. The next woman such a guy dates is the one he will marry.

This theory brings up many relevant relationship issues—soul mates, fate, timing. I think most of us grow up with the idealized version of ever after. We look for love. We look for that special person who is right for us. We want it to feel like it’s meant to be. So the idea that someone would make the decision to get married because the time is right for him to be married, not because of the person he is with, is somewhat unnerving. Even if you don’t believe in soul mates, if you think there are several people you could be happy with for the rest of your life, you probably don’t think you could be happy with any old person. Are there men out there that think it’s essentially irrelevant who the particular person they decide to make a life with is (assuming they meet some base level requirements)?

On the one hand, I don’t think this is a framework I personally could ever agree with. On the other, I wonder how different such a strategy is from something like arranged marriage, which under certain circumstances I am a strong supporter of. In a way, maybe a man behaving as a cab has the right idea. After all, if you are the kind of person who thinks you should “live a little” in your twenties, it makes sense to impose a certain, future time when you are ready to commit to ending the fun. Or, if you are the sort of person who knows you are your best self in a steady relationship, it would make sense to lock it all down at a young age. In that case, you would know that you could meet someone you would be more compatible with later, but if you are ready to build your marital home, who’s to say it’s wrong to go ahead and do so? Same with breaking up with a good partner when you’re 19 solely because everyone tells you that you are too young to be “so serious”. In our society, we don’t criticize that kind of thing. And is what these cab-men do so different from the girls who just really want to be married by 22?

So, maybe I think- to each his or her own. I know I would have a hard time being with someone who is not with me because he feels we were meant to be together. But does it really matter? After all, it isn’t that head-over-heels magic that will sustain our relationship through the years—it’s familial love, respect and commitment. Which, I suppose, can come out of various courtship scenarios. Here’s hoping that you have found or will find the path that works for you.